3 into 2

The Boy is due in August which seems ages away but i know will sneak up on us pretty quickly, so we're planning on putting the girls together in the same room from this weekend. Bunk beds are due to be delivered on Thursday, so swearing will be heard across the home counties from Saturday morning as i attempt to put them up.

And it's in a good time too, Number 2 has just started climbing out of her cot i say climbing out, more getting herself over the top of it and letting gravity do the damage on the way down. It's a thunk followed by a scared just under 2 year old crying...

The downside to them both going into one room beside having to decorate the nursery again, which has had much of it's wall paper peeled off around the cot... the little bloody ASBO monkey.  What concerns me the most is how badly it could go with them keeping each other up all night, or number 2 escaping and running amok.

Only the other morning did number 1 go downstairs to be greeted with a "hello... How are you?"  as number 2 helped herself to the breakfast cereal while Saturday we were woken by two child follow my leader/ conger line around the bed...

Any tips anyone?

Blue is the Colour. Being a Daddy is the game

So it's a boy.

We didn't want to know, we liked the idea of a surprise, but when offered with the chance to know during the scan we crumbled.  Like knowing you have to go home but are being offered one last drink in the pub, you know you'll be in trouble later, but it was on offer and you can't turn it down can you?

It could have been totally different, but for one little thing...

Number 1 has been incredibly excited about the whole thing she's told just about everyone at her school, so when my wife asked if she'd like to go to see the baby in Mummy's tummy at the hospital she jumped at the chance.

We turned up at the scan and were politely asked if we wanted to know towards the end the sex of the baby, my wife and i looked at each other and smiled and said "no, thanks".  "YES, YES... YES we do" came the shout from the up until then quiet as a mouse #1... it was the equivalent of the elbow nudge and "come on one more quick one" every man knows so well from being with friends in the pub.

A twinkle in my wife's eye said she was ready to accept that illicit drink.

"Shall we?"

and the die was cast...

"it's a Boy"

"Owwwwww...." grumped #1 wanting yet another sister

A few minutes later we're sitting in the waiting room waiting for Mummy to go to the toilet.

"So Daddy. Oscar is a nice name isn't it?"

I think I've created a monster.

Russian Roulette

We’re pregnant. Another bun is in the metaphorical oven.  My wife has wandered up duff street. She’s with Child. Whichever way I write this I’m still struggling to get my head around it. Normally this would be a time for excitement, to wish us well, to take joy in the fact of new life. So why do I feel like I've been kicked square in the ‘ gentleman's area’?  Why does this hat trick feel like I've scored at wrong end, two glorious wonder goals before haplessly slicing the ball past my own goalkeeper and into my net?

I expect zero sympathy from you dear reader, it was after all I (well ‘we’) who had all the pleasure of that night, not you. It was me that played Russian roulette with contraception and shot myself point blank in the head.

We’d always discussed a third child, I’m from a big family and we’d always liked the idea of a similar sized family to make things like Christmas and family gatherings that bit more vibrant and noisy. But we only moved into a larger house a couple of years ago, and I still haven’t even finished decorating a single room yet. I’d just be coming round to the idea of just having the two girls, of a faint hope that foreign holidays might be back in a few years’ time. Of sleep that lasts almost 6 hours at a time.  Dumping the kids of at the grand parents and whizzing off on a naughty weekend away with the wife.  I’d even toyed with the idea of taking up golf again or buying family season tickets at the Rugby or football.  All now firmly moved into the no bloody chance file.

So why am I struggling with the thought of having another? Am I selfish?  No probably not. it’s not really my life I worry about. The sex life apart, I don’t need anything of the above including the sleep, I’m one of those people that is eternally content with my lot.  That’s not to say I’m not ambitious I would love to have more money to give me more options in life, but I don’t strive to own more, bigger,  greater things.  I like things as they are. I’m happy.  

But the pressure is firmly on my shoulders. The girls are delighted about the thought of sharing a room, but how long will it last?  Money is tight now, how will it be when there is another little person?  Can we even afford for my wife not to work?  Would we be even better off if she still did? to We need to feed another mouth, to purchase a car to fit three car seats in, to eventually purchase a bigger house so all the kids have their own room while still making sure that it’s in an area that is best for their upbringing… And what the bloody hell will I call the blog if it turns out that number 3 is a boy?

I know I won’t resent number three for the sacrifices the whole family have to make? But I’d love to give the family the best chance in their lives and with that comes sacrifice from me.  Much of this pressure I feel is created by myself. So I’ve decided there is no time sitting around moping about the situation I find myself in, I’m lucky. This is a positive thing, I just need to convince myself of that.

 I’m off to find a new job… just as soon as I’ve booked in for a vasectomy.

The School Run An Anthropological Goldmine

So I’ve been off looking after the girls while my wife was away on business for the past two weeks. I loved every second of it so when I win the lottery I shall be retiring to be a stay at home dad.

One thing that fascinated me was the school run, the politics, the fashion, the tantrums.  I live in leafy Herts and everyday was an eye opener.  Attenborough would have a field day about the cliques and anthropological goings on at 8.45am every day.  

Here are just a few types I've noticed on the school pick up

The Alpha Mum

Knows everyone, knows everyone’s business.  Runs the show like she was the prison top girl. Has a gang of slightly lower on the social spectrum mums that she is always to be found around.  Teachers and small countries are scared of her. Frequently tanned from her exotic holidays. Drives a 4x4. And everyone knows about it.

The Organiser

When she’s not mothering her own she’s trying to organise everyone else. “Fancy the PTA quiz night?” “Can I interest you in the 70’s disco at the school?” “Would you like to come around for a Neal’s yard party?” “Can I count on you to help with the Easter parade”... “No piss off”   Only marginally more popular than ‘Weird Dad in a Hat’

The Glam Young Mum

The glam young mother that many others look enviously at, always immaculately groomed she sashays into the playground like she was on a catwalk in Milan. Stick thin, no one speaks to her except other young mums and all the dads…

The Weird Dad in a Hat

There is always that dad wearing an awkward baseball cap that if you saw hanging around the school playground at any other time you’d probably call the police.  When you arrive you realise it’s just you and him so you start signing up for ‘the organisers’ events or finding some very interesting spam email on your phone.

The Gym Mum

Always drops the kids off wearing sportswear and a full face of make up, a look that attempts to say that I’m off to Pilates for a couple of hours, a swim, then massage before eating an organic salad for lunch.  But actually just says that I couldn't be bothered to get dressed this morning and this is just a more socially acceptable version of PJ’s and Uggs to do the school run.

The Thinks he’s a Ladies Man Dad

Despite the fact he’s nearer 40, but dresses 15 years younger, has a pot belly and male pattern baldness he believes he’s something from a Diet coke break.  Surveys the young mums and anyone that gives him a second glance like a geriatric Lion on the plains of the Serengeti.  Makes eye contact and assumes they’re 'up for it'.

The Grandparents

Normally chasing around a younger sibling trying to get them to stop climbing on the playground climbing frame and “please sit in their buggy and see if they can see their bigger brother/sister”  will talk to anyone.  Best smiled to but avoided.

The Working Mum

Working glamour with a hint of breakfast cereal, always nicely turned out but not quite perfect as is the way when getting dressed in the morning involves ready break smeared toddlers hanging off one leg while their 5 year old roots around in the make up bag dropping foundation on the floor, which she then gives up and goes without.

The Late Mum

On walking out of the gate after dropping the kids off at school, she’s manically heading the other way pushing a Phil & Teds buggy with two kids in and another walking behind looking disheveled, and missing a coat.  Always last to drop off and last to pick up.  Doesn't work.  Just a terrible time keeper. Always seems to be a red head. 

On the Sixth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to me... Six Consoles Gaming

Given what I do for a living one of the most asked questions of me is what games console should I buy my child for Christmas? My answer is always it depends… you wouldn't buy a sports car if you and your family lived down a country lane would you?  And you wouldn't buy a 4x4 if you lived in the city… oh, perhaps scrub that last bit.

To the uninitiated it might seem like an odd thing to say, but pick the games console might suits you and your child’s needs.  They’re not all the same; some are much more suitable to different ages and types of entertainment.   If you don’t want to spend £300 for a very expensive box under the TV that isn't touched, or on a console that is deemed ‘babyish’ in less than a year’s time, read on.

Best Games Console For Child Under 5

If your child is under 5 my suggestion is don’t bother, they’re far too young to really get the moneys worth out of a games console.  Instead have a look at the Mobi-Go range which offers a more educational learning spin and offers both a touch screen and a Qwerty keyboard for learning the alphabet, spelling and numeracy. 

I was extremely sceptical of thinking that the apps on mobile phones or tablets are just as useful, until we purchased a mobi-go one for Number 1 last Christmas.  It costs around £50 and new games are £10-£15. While it does chew through batteries it’s simple to use, is of a solid build, chunky and portable it’s great for the kids to use on their own without worrying they’re going to scratch or damage it like you would with your tablet or smart phone (There is also no chance of having them in app purchase £500 of smurfberrys either)

Best for Long Journeys

For your younger ones look no further than the 3DS for a portable games console, it comes in a range of colours and has a large range of games.  It’s worth noting that Nintendo themselves recommend that the 3D option isn't used by Children under the age of 7 (a simple slider bar means you can switch it off easily) it’s priced around £130 and the games aren't cheap when you’re used to App store prices, at around £30. 

Sony’s PlayStation Vita is a lovely bit of technology straddling the line of tablet and games console with multiple touch screens, internet access and a massive range of music and films that can be downloaded (although the PSN store is not a patch on ITunes) it’s perfectly suited to older children & teenagers.  However it’s range of games are very expensive and quite limited, and while more are on their way, there might not be a huge amount of games for the future.  For those already owning a PlayStation 3 the Vita offers even more, offering cross play and inter connectivity between the two, really bringing value to the vita.  You can get some excellent deals pre-Christmas with the handheld and games bundle for less than £200

Best For Families

The Wii was a staple in houses up and down the country a few years ago, now seemingly consigned to the gathering dust in a cupboard it still has a huge catalogue of games at very low prices and can be enjoyed by the whole family offering that old fashioned board game fun on Christmas day. However once the games are finished there is very little else to recommend about the now rather dated Wii.

Microsoft’s Xbox 360 and Sony’s PlayStation 3 are two of the big boys in the market and offer the widest breadth and range of games available everything from dancing & karaoke games to realistic military shooting games.  However connect them to the internet and they come into their own as a central part of the living room, both offer streaming of BBC’s Iplayer and equivalent Channel 4 and ITV versions. If you have Lovefilm and Netflix accounts you can access them through the consoles.  Both consoles offer direct purchase of Games and films (films can also be rented) as well as demo and video downloads from their own stores.  Both consoles also have parental setting so you can control what your little monsters can view & play.

As far as that family ‘board game’ at Christmas feel, Microsoft has the Kinect an expensive, if somewhat flawed, camera that sits on your TV but allows for some lovely group family experiences around the likes of Ubisoft's Disney Just Dance game & Kinectimals, 

Sony’s offers the JK Rowling Wonderbook: Book of Spells,  perfect for budding Harry Potters who will see their book come to life on screen and cast spells with their wands on screen.

So which one to Pick?  Tough.  Both have their merits and there is very little to choose between them both.  Find out what your circle of friends own so older Children can play online with people they know. Failing that just go for the best deal and there are some excellent ones out there.

Prices for the consoles begin at £130 and increase in price based upon the size of the HDD games retail for £15 - £50 

Best for Dad Pretending he’s Buying it for the Kids

That’ll be the Wii U, Nintendo’s new hope, the console launches today stock is limited and will be till after Christmas.  While Nintendo will be hoping that the console replicates the success of the Wii some commentators are more sceptical.

The console comes with a tablet style controller that allows dad the kids to play while someone else is watching the TV and makes for some interesting game ideas, where the touch screen can be used.

Its expected that both Sony & Micorosft will launch their new consoles next year so you might want to hold off for a little while before taking the plunge

If you can find one, prices are around £259.99  

The Sound of Silence

This isn't about the amazing Simon and Garfunkel song of the same name, nor is it that time post 7pm when the kids are asleep in bed and the silence is only broken by the glug glug glugging of wine being poured into the glass... no the sound of the silence is as dark and terrifying as the lyrics of the song.

You're having a nice conversation with your other half, maybe on the phone to an old friend or caught up with some household chores.  Your partner turns and stares open eyed like the moment in a horror film where the killer ghost reveals it's self. 

The conversation then goes something like this 

"What???"

"LISTEN"

"......."   

"Oh *£!&"

At that point the penny drops, your angelic little girls are silent, there is not a noise to be heard. Your feet start moving like roadrunners, moving but getting no traction, the world slows as you take the corner from the kitchen as your socked feet slide like they're on ice, you fly round the into the room the silence has enveloped like a fog and and you find a scene like this...

Well in my case it Number 2 was the wannabe Banksy / displaying her creative side with the crayons... we are now decorating the lounge a little earlier than expected.

With apologies to Simon and Garfunkel 

Hello reader, my new friend
I've come to post a blog again
Because a princess softly creeping
Drew on walls while I was sleeping
And the vision that was painted on the wall
Still remains
I should have noticed the sound of silence

In restless nights I worked alone
Scrubbing walls like cobblestones
'Neath the halo of a habitat lamp
I scrubbed with sugar soap and damp
When my eyes were drawn by the flash of neon pen
behind the sofa
And i cursed the sound of silence

And in the Ikea light I saw
Ten thousand crayons, on the floor
Paint was everywhere and leaking
The glue on the floor was glistening
People who experience writing on the walls never shared
And i forgot to
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fool!", said I, "You will never learn

They'll work together to take a turn

Always hide the craft when you're at home
Please read my words that I might teach you
Take my twitter so I might reach you"
But my words, like marker pen on walls will be ignored
And etched
In the wells of silence

And as I went to B&Q
This story i'm telling you
the till flashed out its warning
Blimey the cost of paint is soaring
And the lesson learnt in all this, "The words of the princess are written on the living room walls
but they're no Banksy's"
And are scribbled in the sound of silence