So I’ve been off looking after the girls while my wife was
away on business for the past two weeks. I loved every second of it so when I win
the lottery I shall be retiring to be a stay at home dad.
One thing that fascinated me was the school run, the
politics, the fashion, the tantrums. I
live in leafy Herts and everyday was an eye opener. Attenborough would have a field day about the
cliques and anthropological goings on at 8.45am every day.
Here are just a few types I've noticed on the school pick up
The Alpha Mum
Knows everyone, knows everyone’s business. Runs the show like she was the prison top girl.
Has a gang of slightly lower on the social spectrum mums that she is always to be found around. Teachers and small countries are scared of her. Frequently
tanned from her exotic holidays. Drives a 4x4. And everyone knows about it.
The Organiser
When she’s not mothering her own she’s trying to organise
everyone else. “Fancy the PTA quiz night?” “Can I interest you in the 70’s
disco at the school?” “Would you like to come around for a Neal’s yard party?” “Can
I count on you to help with the Easter parade”... “No piss off” Only marginally more popular than ‘Weird Dad
in a Hat’
The Glam Young Mum
The glam young mother that many others look enviously at,
always immaculately groomed she sashays into the playground like she was on a catwalk
in Milan. Stick thin, no one speaks to her except other young mums and all the
dads…
The Weird Dad in a Hat
There is always that dad wearing an awkward baseball cap
that if you saw hanging around the school playground at any other time you’d
probably call the police. When you
arrive you realise it’s just you and him so you start signing up for ‘the organisers’
events or finding some very interesting spam email on your phone.
The Gym Mum
Always drops the kids off wearing sportswear and a full face
of make up, a look that attempts to say that I’m off to Pilates for a couple of
hours, a swim, then massage before eating an organic salad for lunch. But actually just says that I couldn't be
bothered to get dressed this morning and this is just a more socially acceptable
version of PJ’s and Uggs to do the school run.
The Thinks he’s a Ladies Man Dad
Despite the fact he’s nearer 40, but dresses 15 years
younger, has a pot belly and male pattern baldness he believes he’s something
from a Diet coke break. Surveys the
young mums and anyone that gives him a second glance like a geriatric Lion on
the plains of the Serengeti. Makes eye
contact and assumes they’re 'up for it'.
The Grandparents
Normally chasing around a younger sibling trying to get them
to stop climbing on the playground climbing frame and “please sit in their
buggy and see if they can see their bigger brother/sister” will talk to anyone. Best smiled to but avoided.
The Working Mum
Working glamour with a hint of breakfast cereal, always nicely
turned out but not quite perfect as is the way when getting dressed in the
morning involves ready break smeared toddlers hanging off one leg while their 5 year old roots around in the make up bag dropping foundation on the floor, which she then gives up
and goes without.
The Late Mum
On walking out of the gate after dropping the kids off at
school, she’s manically heading the other way pushing a Phil & Teds buggy
with two kids in and another walking behind looking disheveled, and missing a coat. Always last to
drop off and last to pick up. Doesn't work. Just a terrible time keeper. Always seems to be a red head.
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